50 Redundant Shades of Hues and Tints of Tones of Gray or Grey or Gray.

I’ve moved on from art critic to literary critic…mainly because I just have to say what I’m about to say.

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Because I care so very much about the value (or lack thereof) of literature, I am going to spare you the wasted $9.99 I spent on 50 Shades of Grey and give you the EZ Cliffs Notes version. This will help you sail through any possible middle school assignment you or your child might have on this piece of tripe book without ever having to endure actually read it. Here, for your reading pleasure, is all of 50 Shades of Grey, in 600 words or less.

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Ahem

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There I sat in Grey’s lobby, all frizzy haired, lip biting and otherwise not requiring description, pondering my impending graduation. It was so hot and it made me feel all hot down there. Suddenly in he walked. Oh my. He’s so freaking hot. I bite my lip. With his red hair and the same pair of grey flannel pants he wears every time I see him, despite being a billionaire who could afford to change occasionally. As usual he’s all wet hair and bare chest with those same grey flannel pants hanging off his hips that way that everyone seems to love, but I won’t describe, not even the first time. I think I might convulse as he whips out a condom and tears it open.

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I smile a Cheshire cat grin. He touches my hand and electricity flows between us like it does every. single. fucking. (staccato.) time we meet, because he’s smiling a Cheshire cat grin. I bite my lip. My subconscious is snoring. My inner goddess is masturbating. I cannot help wondering, as I convulse…does he really like me? Does he care for me? He’s talking to me, but all I can think about, all awkward and poorly dressed and clumsy, is whether he might like me and how all confused, horny and unhappy I am.

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Oh, no. His mood has changed again, all hot and mercurial and still wearing those flannel pants that hang on his hips that indescribable way I like. He’s so mercurial. Now he’s smiling. Why is he so mercurial? Oh, he’s grim again. It makes me convulse. We’ve only just met yesterday, but he’s leading me to his Red Room of Pain. Oh my, he’s smiling at me. I’m so happy. He flicks me with a whip. I come. Wait, why does he look so grim? I’m scared. Did I do something wrong? Will he spank me again? I don’t know what I want. Do I sign his S&M contract, or just beg him to love me and give me vanilla sex on his desk?

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As much as I was a virgin yesterday, I am still intrigued by the whips, chains, ben wa balls, shackles, leather gag balls, and carabineers. I’ve never seen a room like this. I bite my lip. It’s freaking hot. I convulse. Down there. What are all these contraptions for? My friend Kate, all gamine, freshly-fucked hair and loose morals, would never understand my fascination with this complicated man-freak.

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Wait, did he say something? “Stop biting your lip.” I wish I could understand him, he’s so mercurial. He must love me. I bite my lip. I roll my eyes. Aargh! Why else would he invite me within a week of meeting me to be his submissive sex slave? Gah! “Yes, Sir.” I bite my lip.

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My subconscious slaps me upside the head. My inner goddess is happy, all having her anus bleached and singing an aria. He’s everything I’ve ever known to avoid in a man. He’s a stalker and possessive and can only have sex if it’s extra nasty. It’s hot. Down there. But why can’t we just do it missionary again? I convulse.

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Despite my normal upbringing, all Beaver Cleaveresque…he’s exactly what I want and need. I bite my lip.

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When we break up I cry, all snotty and broken hearted, because he’s so ideal and I do so not deserve to be his submissive sex slave. Thinking about it makes me convulse. Why, oh my, why, oh why could our ideal romance not work out? I bite my lip.

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Sophomoric Drekitude. Horrible horrible…heinous terrible awful writing. I want my $9.99 and my Saturday back. I’ve been around the block, honey, and like a good hair-pulling spanking here and there, fine… But who wants to read hundreds of pages about a girl with zero personality, being stupid? This is like some self absorbed 17 year old C- student decided to write soft core porn, and get daddy to publish it for her despite thousands of far more talented writers not even being considered by agents.

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I want to be her subconscious…meet her in starbucks and slap her stupid lip-biting face and make her convulse. HOW this author managed to get this tripe published is so far beyond me..ugh. Terrible.

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It’s like listening to your least favorite girlfriend whine for 12 hours straight about her cheating boyfriend while you’re tied to a chair and forced to nod, smile and tell her she’s soooo pretty and he’s prolly just confused and scared and obviously his desire for a goat to join their love play means he really wants her.

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I hear it’s been optioned as a movie. I pity the actors.

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Because I care, I will share the only two good thing about this book that I’ve experienced so far. I hope it makes you convulse.  Frugalista & Selenatake it away.

Andre agrees “Drekitude”

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52 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    Aug 08, 2012 @ 11:05:25

    I loved this version of the 50 shades of grey! One thing you left out was my favorite….”Well, I don’t know what to….err….say Mr. Grey.” I wanted to use the find and replace and trade out all of the “errs” for “ums”. At least that is a little more believable. And I love how you brought up another goodie…..Aarrgh! Aarggh!…has anyone ever in this world ever used “arrgh” while having sex….well, maybe Cpt. Jack Sparrow.

    Reply

  2. Fathead Follies
    Jul 12, 2012 @ 03:45:53

    Freaking funny! I had no idea that it was a comedy. I’m tempted to actually read the thing now.

    Reply

    • Anastasia
      Jul 12, 2012 @ 10:55:08

      It’s not…!! It’s SO not funny. My parody was funny, but only in that it’s almost a literal representation of exactly how the book is written. The book is THAT bad. Read only if you can borrow. If you’re at all literate, with anything approaching good taste, and spend good money on this, I guarantee you’ll regret it. Please.. walk away from the temptation 🙂

      Reply

  3. mannymuses
    Jul 10, 2012 @ 17:07:57

    I was told to check out your version of this- so glad I did! Finally someone sees this book the same way I do!

    Reply

    • Anastasia
      Jul 10, 2012 @ 19:05:29

      God Bless Cristy Carrington Lewis for her discernment and good taste and stuff (all sorts of other stuff). I’m glad you enjoyed! 🙂 Thanks for the following! As soon as I’m off this slow work computer I’ll go check your page out!

      Reply

  4. Clare Flourish
    Jul 05, 2012 @ 07:54:05

    “Convulse” is not politically correct. The term is have a “tonic-clonic seizure”.

    Reply

    • Anastasia
      Jul 07, 2012 @ 20:31:18

      Haahahaha.. duh. So funny, thanks for the comment. My entire parody uses some of the specific words and techniques that were used to death in the book, just mocked by me. Only the funny is mine. I’d like to say all I wrote is entirely mine, but the truth is that the phrases/words/grammatical mistakes she did. to. death. were repeated SO many times in the book that it’s almost impossible at this point to use any of them even innocently in any other venue without potentially violating her cloying ownership, all clever and fancy and stuff, of said (over and over and over) words. Thank you for stopping by 🙂

      Reply

  5. Stacy
    Jun 05, 2012 @ 17:01:29

    This is great! One of my close friends has been going on and on about how great this book is. Now, I am questioning her intelligence. Wait, maybe I always questioned her intelligence! 😉 Thanks to you, A, I will be skipping this one!

    Reply

    • Anastasia
      Jun 05, 2012 @ 19:24:45

      You’re welcome… I’m curious now which friend. I can only name a few of your close friends, but I can easily imagine it…. Nevermind. lol

      Reply

      • Stacy
        Jun 25, 2012 @ 06:17:42

        It’s Texas Tiffanie, not Nic or Florida Tiff! She actually gave me a copy. I refuse to read it! Think I should do a reverse Jedi mind f*** and loan her Quantum Physics?

        Reply

  6. Stacie Chadwick
    Jun 04, 2012 @ 22:49:11

    Someone gave me the book and I’ve been carrying it around for a few weeks, thinking “I should read this because everyone’s reading it” and “I shouldn’t read this because everyone’s reading it.” Your awesome review solidified the reason why it’s still on the inside of a dark bag next to my tampons and a half-used pack of gum. Loved this!

    Reply

  7. Jennifer M Eaton
    Jun 04, 2012 @ 21:57:20

    Ha! So funny. So, did you like it or not? Don’t hold back, now! Tell us how you really feel.

    Reply

  8. Smaktakula
    Jun 03, 2012 @ 09:53:58

    Sounds gagilicious. Your review, however, was delightful. Life is too short for bad writing.

    Reply

  9. Miss M
    May 29, 2012 @ 19:58:48

    wow…thank you with all the hype even the press was giving it…. I will definitely not waste time or money. THANK YOU…. wondering if I will still be loved…hehe

    Reply

    • Anastasia
      May 29, 2012 @ 20:06:56

      You’ll still be loved…. One funny thing I read in 5 Star reviews on Amazon were complaints (mind you, by people who loved the book) that some of the words were either “too big” or required looking up in the dictionary to understand. (insert sarcastic eyebrow raise here). You’re not missing out on anything……
      thank you for the comment! 🙂

      Reply

  10. cristycarringtonlewis
    May 29, 2012 @ 19:05:21

    OMG! Am biting my lip right now at the sheer cleverness of your double entendre: Beaver Cleaveresque. You’re so pithy…and mercurial. I’m feeling hot. Down…nope, that was just a hot flash. Funny as shit. This should go viral.

    Reply

    • Anastasia
      May 29, 2012 @ 19:35:56

      Thanks Cristy! Funnily enough I’m fairly sure cleaving her beaver didn’t crop up…at least it would have improved the book! Viral. I wish…

      Reply

    • Anastasia
      May 29, 2012 @ 19:36:54

      “he cleaved her beaver with his giant man mallet”
      Yeah, that would have helped…

      Reply

      • cristycarringtonlewis
        May 29, 2012 @ 19:42:27

        Stop it!!!! As I age, incontinence is a real concern and I’ve already changed my underwear once today. Laughing is the worst thing for a weak bladder.

        Okay, that stuff I wrote up there wasn’t true.

        I changed my underwear twice today.

        Reply

        • Anastasia
          May 29, 2012 @ 19:52:37

          I find a 20 minute basic pilates floor routine works wonders on my laundry. Sometimes it’s just a combo of childbirth, lumbar discs and excess weight, but a few core moves are amazing…down *there*. I bite my lip

          Reply

  11. India pied-à-terre
    May 28, 2012 @ 06:09:49

    THANK YOU for saving us. I was wondering if I needed to read it. Everyone else seems to be and they’re keeping any awfulness a secret! Lip-biting is so lame unless it’s someone else biting your lip.

    Reply

    • Anastasia
      May 28, 2012 @ 06:18:40

      You’re welcome (curtsies) Him not wanting her to bite her lip because it makes him want to bite her lip right now ooh baby ooh…is a central theme. In every other paragraph. NY Times best seller list writer people were on crack when they inflicted this on us. Then again, professional movie reviewers are mostly wrong too. Do not waste your money. Buy..who is it? Anne Rice? Yeah, her.

      Reply

  12. Frugalistablog
    May 27, 2012 @ 21:31:09

    Oh, you are killing me with this review!!!! Hilarious! <>>
    Thanks for including the video- Apparently I’m very vanilla and that’s what caused me to raise my eyebrows reading this book!! All hail Daniel Craig!

    Reply

  13. Writing Jobs
    May 27, 2012 @ 20:59:45

    That was an excellent post today. Thanks for sharing. I really enjoyed it very much.

    Enjoy writing? Join Us Today!

    Writers Wanted

    Reply

  14. Anastasia
    May 27, 2012 @ 20:32:44

    Another good one… 🙂

    Reply

    • columbuscynic
      May 28, 2012 @ 10:04:58

      Love the review, and the video was hilarious… “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”
      Yep.
      As far as the book-to-movie phenomenon…the atrocious state of affairs is that most people don’t know or appreciate a story unless there is a movie to accompany it – a movie chock full o’ “dramatic liberties” or whatever the hell they call the butchering of the original story in the “industry”. No, I shall not get on my soapbox about this – instead, I shall use it as a flailing tool of haphazard blunt-object trauma, and general splintering mayhem.

      Reply

  15. jmmcdowell
    May 27, 2012 @ 20:15:15

    You hit on one of my biggest complaints about the publishing industry. How do some awful books get agented and published while great books are turned away? I’m not saying mine are great, but there are some that I’ve thrown down as a complete waste of time and money on my part.

    I had no interest in the book before, and have even less now (if that’s possible—maybe at the quantum level….). Thanks for the review! 🙂

    Reply

    • Anastasia
      May 27, 2012 @ 20:17:56

      You’re welcome. If I can save even one person from this drivel I will feel it makes up for my inability to force the Kardashians off television. But only just.

      Reply

  16. Joan Leacott
    May 27, 2012 @ 19:40:46

    I wasn’t planning to read the book, but if it’s anywhere near as funny as your post, I might have to. Thanks for the giggles!

    Reply

  17. Madame Weebles
    May 27, 2012 @ 19:36:23

    This synopsis is perfect! I tried reading the book but it really is truly awful. It’s badly written, the redundant phrases truly are maddening, the Anastasia in the book is an annoying pain (totally unlike the Anastasia of this blog!), and the sex scenes were actually kind of lame and disappointing. And Christian really didn’t do it for me. Maybe if Daniel Craig plays him in the movie he would work for me. 😉 But even he wouldn’t be able to redeem this awful dreck.

    It really irks me such schlock writing is making EL James a gazillionaire.

    Reply

  18. crubin
    May 27, 2012 @ 19:13:51

    I never planned on reading this, and now thanks to your synopsis, I don’t have to. Very funny, and I, too am surprised by all of the attention the book is getting. On the other hand, I have to give some kudos to the author. Whether good literature or not, she obviously sparked something that got people to buy it. 🙂

    Oh, and I loved Frugalista’s video–especially since she used Daniel Craig 😉

    Reply

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